Confessions of the Formerly Ascended
by B. Cavis

Category: Adult, Drama, Missing Scene/Epilogue, Romance, Series
Season: Season 6
Pairing(s): Jack/Sam
Rating: NC-17
Content: adult themes/mature scenes, graphic sex, sex, sexual situations, none

Confessions of the Formerly Ascended
by B. Cavis

I take full credit, you understand. I don't remember much about being Oma-tized, but I do remember this.

I. Did. It. All.

It was all me; my good deed for the next century or so. A 100% Daniel Jackson Ascended (accept no substitutes) Original. You can tell by the signature label on back of their heads.

And they should really be grateful, you know. Everyone should. UST sucks. I did it for the greater good of humanity and the world at large, to spare them from being seared to death by the "Oh Please Fuck Me" vibes that radiate like a mushroom cloud from the both of them. It's like frelling fly pheromones, and it really made my job hard, let me tell you. Because even though neither one of them seemed to be able to pick up on the whole "I want to do you" thing, everyone else in the general vicinity took it upon themselves to answer the invitation.

(These wannabees were, of course, dispatched, but it still managed to divert me from the task at hand. And Agent Barett won't be walking right for a long time coming, let me tell you. Not to mention Tok'ra Spice. PLEASE don't mention Tok'ra Spice.)

So all in all, getting Sam and Jack to bonk like the horny little bunnies they are took a great deal of planning and maneuvering. Lots and lots of effort on my part.

I think that more than makes up for the Christmas, three birthdays, and Eighth Annual SG-1 Anniversary Type Day ("Jack, can't we please just call it an anniversary? Would that really be such a bad thing?" "Uh, yeah?") I missed. Besides, they had Jonas to kick around in my place. And Jonas is... nice. Very smart. Loyal. Smiles a lot.

...Little punk took my office.

Not that wasn't worth it to see them happy. It totally was. Every time I would see them flirting, laughing, or sitting on the couch, watching B-SciFi movies and throwing popcorn down each other's shirts, I got this little warm a fuzzy feeling right where it counts.

Mmm, warm and fuzzy...

Besides (and if Sam ever finds out about this she'll kill me so dead), being able to watch their growing relationship, nurture it when I had the chance, and make sure they didn't make quite a few monumental mistakes in the first few weeks was payment enough, if I remember correctly. It was like having an entire household of life sized Barbie dolls to play with, only they were more like GI Joes than Barbies, and more like the Osbournes than GI Joes. My Easy Bake Best-Friends' Relationship. Requires two AAs, a light bulb, and a whole lot of patience.

...Not that I ever played with Barbies, mind you.

Yep, all in a days work for SUPER GLOWING JELLYFISH! Whoosh!

Feeling very dramatic and heroic. I have to get a theme song.

Nana nana nana nana nana nana nana nana, Dan-iel!

Really, what the hell did you expect? That they would just suddenly wake up one day and go "oh, wow, you're really attractive. Let's have hot monkey sex."

My two oblivious military personnel? Get real.

And yeah, I know we weren't supposed to interfere, but come on! If left to their own devices, Sam and Jack would have danced around each other for at least another decade, debating whether or not true love, understanding, and companionship (not to mention really hot sex, and I'm going to say it again because I like saying "really hot sex") was more important that some stupid little military... thingie.

God they're both complete and utter morons. Not that I don't love them completely and fully, but sometimes I want to just smack them both upside their stupid ass heads. I knew what I was in for when it started, of course. I'd spent six years with them, listening to the lack of innuendo, watching the non-existent steamy looks: they were always the complete professionals. Repressed to the extreme.

So I figured, hey, a few appropriate whisper like noises in Jack's ear, a gust of wind up Sam's leather skirt, shake until frothy, sprinkle liberally with condoms, and there you have it-- Instant RST. Serves two.

They just had to make it difficult for me, didn't they?

Sam had to go and be all "Oh, I think I'll try to get a life, but I'll still fantasize about him every night" and Jack just had to go and be all "I'm happy she's happy, even though I'm really not and feel like screaming 24/7 now."

This is the real reason that all those goa'ulds want them dead: they're sick and tired of all this cliched UST. I mean, come on people-- Mulder and Scully did it to death. Get over yourselves.

"You ain't all that and a bag of po-ta-to chips!"

I blink as the bald Mike Myers snaps his fingers on the screen. I think I saw this one a few years back, but Sam insisted I had to come watch it again with her and the lot over at Jack's. We've been doing a lot more of these team bonding experiences ever since I got back. I think they're trying to get back into the swing of things, rekindle the team dynamic and all that.

In fact, I'm pretty sure this is all being done for Sam's benefit, too-- Jack gave me a manly hug and a welcome back space monkey, Teal'c raised his eyebrow, and Jonas just grinned at my return to this mortal plane, and every thing was okay. Sam seems to be expecting some kind of fall out, and while I'm praying that she's not right, I know she probably is. Sam's annoying that way-- she's predictably omniscient about things like this.

Damn her eyes.

Jonas is sitting in what was once her armchair, grinning inanely, but I don't see her minding much. She's currently seated next to, you guessed it, Mr. Ya-Sure-You-Betcha-I-Care-About-Carter himself, her fingers drapping over his shoulder and tickling the base of his neck without actually initiating contact. It's really quite interesting. And very, very, irritating.

I think I'm PMSing. Post Something-to-do-with-ascension Syndrome. Gimme a second, I'll think of something.

Teal'c is, as always, taking up an entire couch all in his own right. His gold emblem catches the faintest hints of light from the television. He has that all knowing, satisfied smirk on his face. Sam told me once that he has a thing for the woman who plays Frau. ("He says she's a formidable commander." "Still, Sam, that's... eww!")

And Jack? Well, Jack is looking down Sam's shirt. And she's letting him.

("Thank you ladies and gentlemen, it's an honor to accept this award, the prestigious Nobel Peace Prize, in appreciation for my work in the field of ending the problem of irritatingly angst filled flirtations. Let me just start by saying that UST is something that we all, as individuals, must join together against, hands united, feet planted, and in the words of the famous D.A.R.E. bumper sticker, Just Say No! Thank you, thank you! I know, I'm good, aren't I?")


...Post Mortality Syndrome maybe? Whatever.

"What is this stuff?" Jonas asks, pulling his lips away from his bottle. I peer at the bottle.

"It's a Rolling Rock, Jonas."

"It's very good."

"Daniel wouldn't know," Jack pipes in cheerfully. "He drinks one, throws up, and blacks out." Sam arches her back out a little bit more and his attention focuses back on her cleavage. Thanks, Sam.

Jonas goes into the kitchen searching for another one. Jack drowns in his lover's chest. I make what I hope is a disgusted sound and look back at the television.

"What?" Sam asks, her hip jutting out to one side in anger. I glance over at her.

"I didn't say anything." She gives me a look, but focuses her attention back on the television and ignores me. I do the same when Jack sends a questioning look my way. Sam's breasts can only distract him for so long. Jonas, takes his beer and goes to sit beside Teal'c, with the grumbled complaint of "humans talk too much."

I have to admit, I'm getting pretty into the movie. I may have seen it before, but my memory wipe thing has left me with only vague reflections of the plot line and characters. Little bits of information pop up every now and then, and I welcome them in silence. It feels good to be able to remember the little things about who I am.

I laugh at the sight of the clone-- now I understand why Jack calls Lt. Hailey (who is apparently seeing Simmons now-- who knew? I did) Sam's Mini-Me. I glance over at them out of the corner of my eye to see if they react to the joke...

Jack is no longer bathing himself in her chest. Now, Jack has his large hand down the front of Sam's pants, building her orgasm. On the screen, Mike Myers is going into space.

I jerk guilty back to the television screen, trying to forget what I just saw. Watching after them when I was floaty and intangible was one thing. This is quite another. I try and focus in on the blond woman on the screen instead of the one on the couch.

"Oh," Sam whispers, just loud enough for him to hear and me to catch. Jonas and Teal'c go on watching their movie, blissful in their ignorance.

I shouldn't do this, I know I shouldn't. Looking is like watching a car crash-- it's just going to make me feel weird and bad later on, and I shouldn't put myself through that. I know it-- I really do.

And I have to do it; I look back over at them

Her head is lolling back and forth on the couch, her lips parted gently to gasp for air without catching anyone's attention. His eyes are still glued to the television screen. I can see the movement inside her pants where he's moving his hand back and forth against her.

I can see her hand clenching the couch cushion between her fingers, gripping at it with short nails. Her other hand is grabbing at his thigh. He never slows his pace, but the other hand comes over to grab at (her nipple?) the front of her shirt and pinch. She grips her lip between her bottom teeth and pulls as the sofa a little harder.

Jack leans his head down to her and mutters something in her ear that I can't catch, but when he pulls away, her face has gone even redder. I try and imagine variations of what he could have said.

*"I'm going to make you come so hard, Sammiegal, and no one here is going to know. Not a single person. And when the movie is over, you'll get up and wish them all a good night, and help them to the door, with your panties sticking to you and my fingers smelling like your insides."*

*"Tonight, I am going to put you on your hands and knees, and I am going to fuck you until every hair in that pretty blond head of your is dripping with sweat. You're going to be begging me to keep going and to stop at the same time. You're going to come until you pass out, and that's just the way it's going to be. Understand me? Babe?"*

*"Would you like some more popcorn?"*

It's wrong. It's inappropriate. It's everything I thought they were smart enough not to do. It is quite possibly one of the hottest things I've ever seen, and I am very pissed off about it.

*I didn't do all this for you just so you could pollute the air with your filthy pheromones!* I feel like screaming at them, but I manage to hold myself back.

I start to question myself: Why did I even help them reach this point? This was so much easier to accept when I could just float away and not have to deal with it. I should have known I'd have this reaction to seeing them together and happy when I'm not. I'm not that good of a person that I can enjoy their contentment envy-free. Maybe I was that good as a glow worm, but I doubt it.

Somethings don't change. Somethings shouldn't.

Sam puts her open mouth against Jack's neck and scrunches up her face in delicious agony. She's close-- I've never had her and even I know it. Jack, however, obviously has (many many times, actually) and he seems to be hyperaware of it. Without pausing in his laughter at something that just happened on the screen, he does that thing with her nipple again. Her face flushes bright red once more. I bite down hard on my lower lip and look away.

I can't watch this. I can't see her orgasm. My own feelings about Sam and her orgasms are too complicated for me to let him. She may think of me as a brother, and I may think of her as a sister, but Sam is most definitely not my sister. She is an attractive, smart, funny woman, who has held my hand through some of the toughest moments of my life and made sure I came out all right in the end and I love her for it.

Jack helped me get through withdrawal. He held me while I sobbed in that storage room and then never mentioned it again. He made me that promise to get Share back, and even if we weren't able to have her the way she was before, he kept his word. Jack is my brother in every way that counts, but he is also my friend. I love him for that. Not that I'd ever tell him any of this.

I don't begrudge him his time and his relationship with Sam (at least, I'm trying hard not to). I helped set it up after all (I was obviously insane). But I don't want to be brought into the bedroom with them. I always left when they got to that point, and I am not about to turn voyeuristic now. Simmons has that market covered already.

But there is still no way for me to look at them doing this and not want to be in Jack's place, with my fingers up inside Sam, her breath coming out in shallow pants against my neck as her soft, wet, sticky cunt contracts around me and massages my fingers as I feel truly and completely alive. And there is no way that the part of me who enjoyed all the things and people I haven't done since college won't want to be in Sam's position right now, with Jack rubbing against me, his arm around my waist as he whispers in my ear and tells me exactly what's going to happen in that low, rough voice that I know-- I just know-- he's capable of doing.

Behind me, I hear her whimper, and know that for her, it's already happened.

The credits are rolling before I dare to take another look at the two of them. Her pants have been zipped back up. His fingers are exactly where they were before. No hint of impropriety, no lingering trace of sex. They're the consummate professionals once more.

I think I'm going to be sick. I stagger to my feet and head for the door.

"Daniel?" Sam picks her head off the back of the couch. "What's up?"

Witch, I think. *Evil creature of sin. Don't look at me. Look back at him and leave me out of it.*


"Going somewhere, Dannyboy?" Jack looks up from his beer. The satisfaction is just oozing off of him.


Post Making-Sam-Orgasm Syndrome. There. That works.


I don't look up. "Hey." The golden beacon of sin sits down next to me, and I look away. "I'd really just like some time alone."

"I know." But she doesn't leave.

We're sitting on Jack's roof, our legs dangling off the end and gravity pulling at us. The thought flashes through my mind that when I was ascended, I wasn't bothered by gravity.

She shifts around for a bit. "It's nice out tonight." I don't say anything. She picks at the roof tiles. "Really clear. You can see all the stars." She looks up and I follow her example. "I bet there are millions up there tonight."

A thought. Bitter in my mouth and on my tongue. "You can't see Abydos."

She doesn't bring her head down. "No. You can't." I glance down at my shoes and think of Skarra. It doesn't help.

"None of us blames you, you know." She leans so her back is pressed up against the roof and her hands are folded behind her head complacently. "We don't think it was your fault. You had to do something."

"I did. I got everyone killed." It makes the lump in my throat even bigger to say the words but I have to anyhow. "I made a deal, one even Jack knew wasn't right, and I got everyone killed."

Neither one of us says anything for a long while. I can't bring myself to look at her, to have her see my shame and my guilt. I was supposed to be a being of great power, a being who could protect and nurture and save others. Instead, I got an entire planet destroyed, let Jack rot in a cell, and ignored Sam entirely, because I was scared of what she would see when she looked at me and saw she that now could toss her shoe through my chest.

I'm seriously considering pushing myself off the roof, when suddenly her warm hand is on my back, her arms around me from behind. I struggle-- there's no way she can want to touch me. Not someone as filthy as me. She has Jack; she has the hero who puts himself on the line every day to prevent the bloodshed of the innocent. The one who's kind to children, can make her come with a flick of his fingers- - the one who would never be stupid enough to make a deal with a goa'ulds.

"Daniel, sit still and calm down." Her voice comes sharp but gentle in my ear, and I stop moving when I realize how close she is. I can't push myself off the roof and not take Sam with me.

Her warm body presses up against me from behind, her arms locking around my chest, and I look down at her strong hands. Her chin rests on my shoulder, and I turn my head to look her in the eye. Our noses are bumping into each other, but we don't seem to mind.

"I missed you, you know?"

"I know." My hand came up to tangle in the strands of lemon pooling on my shoulder. She's let it grow out since I've been gone, and I like it better this way. I tell her so, but she shakes her head, still focused on the previous conversational strain.

"None of it was your fault."

I jerk violently, but can't seem to turn my face away from hers. She's so beautiful, and I drink it in with ever ounce of my being. "Why are you here? Why aren't you downstairs with Jack? Go back to Jack, Sam. He's the hero-- he's the clean one. Go sit with him, and put your hand on his arm, and make him feel like the luckiest man in the world. I don't deserve your sympathy." I shake my head. "I don't deserve your company."

She doesn't say anything for a while, but her eyes look down. I take in the carefully outlined eyes and the red lined lips. Her lashes look incredibly long. I want them to brush my cheek.

"I take it you saw."


"I'm sorry. We shouldn't have put you in that position." She sounds so contrite. "Are you mad at me, Daniel?" I close my eyes against her. It's my one defense when she uses that sort of voice.

"Never, ever, ever could I be mad at you, Sam. Never. It's about time, actually." I untangle my hand from her hair and make to shove her away. "So go down to your lover. Make him happy. He hasn't done anything like this. He doesn't have this kind of death on his hands."

She doesn't move. Stupid, insane, stubborn blond! The bleach has leaked into her brain. "First of all-" Multiple points. This is bad. "-you know that's not true. You think he never did anything that had him scrubbing at his skin until it bled, feeling like he'd done something so horrible it could never be forgiven? You know him better than that, Daniel. You know he's done so many things in his life that he views as unforgivable. More than you could ever achieve, and I pray you don't."

She sounds so matter of fact, so unremorseful. I look at her face, and am reminded of the fact that Sam is a soldier, and that if ordered, she would do anything Jack has and more. That when she was ordered, she started the countdowns for multiple weapons of mass destruction and took a little girl she loved like a daughter down to a cold dark dungeon to die. It is entirely possible that Sam has the ability to frighten me, even more than Jack does. With Jack you expect the darkness, you can see it when you meet him. Sam looks like a new born babe in BDU's, innocent and idealistic. It's the ones you don't see coming that have the real possibility of hurting you.

And she's right a lot of the time , too.

"Secondly, I'm not going anywhere, Daniel. He can spare me for a while, I think. You, on the other hand, need someone to whack you upside the head a few times." She takes my face between her hands. "None of it was your fault. That's the last time I'm saying it."

Oh how I want her to be right... "All of it was my fault, Sam. I made the deal. I told them they had to keep the eye from Anubis-- I put them in that position-"

"And if you hadn't?"

I furrow my brow and hope my breath doesn't smell bad, because it's right in her face. "Then they'd still be alive. They'd be fine."

"No, they'd be dead." She looks so sure. I want to believe her so badly. She's so often right-- it would be really nice if she could be right this time, and take away my guilt. "If you hadn't gone to them and warned them that Anubis was coming for the eye and they had to find it, what would have happened?"

I don't have an answer for her.

"He would have sent down his Jaffa. They would have found the eye, killed everyone by hand, and left. And not a single one of them would have Ascended, because without you around, Oma never would have gone near that planet. They would all be dead, and you'd still be off being an ignorant glowing blob." She stops, as if she suddenly realizes what she'd saying, and bites her lip. "But in a good way," she repents.

I smile. She smiles back.

"Good. That's what you need to do. Smile, Daniel," she says. "It makes me feel better about everything."

"Is that an order?" I joke, and for the first time in weeks I feel like laughing at something.

"Sure," she shrugs. "I'm sure the Colonel would approve it." She takes her chin off my shoulder and drags my head down to her level to press a long kiss against my forehead. "You're the most humanitarian person I know, Daniel. If you can do something to help someone else, you do it. I have complete faith in you." She lies back down against the roof, and I remember why she is my best friend. "You should too."

I glance down at her, spread out on the black shingles, and find myself beside her once more, my head against her shoulder this time. She takes that arm and wraps it around me to stroke the back of my neck tenderly.

I could lose myself in the woman.

"I love you, Sam." She smiles and presses a kiss to the top of my head.

"I know. I love you too. You feel up to going back in?" I settle myself against her, relishing the feeling of her smooth skin beneath my cheek.

"Just a little while longer?"


I breathe her in, sucking in huge gulps of Sam flavored air, and have to stop myself from hugging her to me. Sam loves me, sure, but she's enamored with Jack, and vice-versa. It wouldn't be fair to either one of us if I tried to start something. It could damage our friendship and their relationship, and I really don't want to do that.

That and she carries a rather big gun along with the knowledge of how to use it. I'd rather not put my hand on her chest and see what happens, thank you very much. Not to mention the fact that Jack would probably kill me.

"You two alive up here?" Speak of the devil. Jack's bare feet make tiny slapping sounds on the roof. I don't have to look up to see Sam's smile.

"Yes sir."

"Are you well DanielJackson?" Teal'c voice is as concerned as it gets. He's been looking out for me more so than usual ever since he realized that I really was there to help him through that symbiote transfer thing.

"Fine, Teal'c." He nods stoically. Jonas looks down at Sam.

"Can I lay on your other shoulder?" He sounds so hopeful. I really do like this guy. He's a fitting fifth member of SG-1. Even if he does smile way too much. And spend just a little too much time around Jack.

"No, Jonas." He looks crestfallen. I chuckle and snuggle closer to her.

"She's all mine, Quinn. Go get your own blonde."

"Oh she is, is she?" Jack's voice is only half joking, but I smile anyhow.

"Relax, Jack. You can have her on the weekends, all right?" He sighs, but he's been appeased.

Teal'c takes a seat besides me, his feet folded underneath him. Jack sits on Sam's other side, and Jonas is left to perch behind her, his knees drawn up to his chest. "There's a lot of stars up there," he whispers, as if he's afraid of waking the people slumbering on those innumerable worlds.

Her lover flashes her a quick smile, then turns his eyes upwards. "Yep," he says, "that there are.

Sam presses another kiss to my cheek, before settling in and slyly locking hands with Jack. "Oh I don't know," she says, "I think I could make more if I wanted to."

Teal'c has an odd little smile on his face. "Indeed?"

Jack grins. "Of course she could-- she's Carter. She's like the MacGuyver of the SGC. Give her a pencil, some Wintogreen Life Savers, and twenty minutes, and boom-- you've got yourself a new star system."

"Well I'm just that good, boys," she laughs. "Just don't ask me to, ya know, have a social life or anything like that. Even MacGuyver's have their weaknesses."

I missed this. I missed all of them; even Jack, which is pretty hard to do right now considering I can smell Sam on his fingers, but that's besides the point.

I'm feeling naughty. "Hey Jonas?"


"Gimme the rest of your beer?"

"Um, no."

Oh yeah, way to much time around Jack.


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