The Ten Commandments
as told by God unto his prophet B. Cavis
In the beginning, there was canon. And God saw that the canon was lame, and God said “This canon is lame.”
The Lord took a handful of clay from all corners of the Earth and created a figure and imbued it with imagination and skill and knowledge of html code. And the Lord called this figure “Fanfiction author” and blew the breath of life into it that it might live and be able to squee.
And the Lord saw that the creation was good and the Lord said “This author is good.”
The Lord took the author up onto the mountain and spoke unto him, saying “You are a fic author, and you are My creation. These are My commandments. Follow them or flames shall reign down upon you and fill your email accounts.”
And the author was much afraid, and said unto the Lord “…okay…”
And these were the commandments the Lord lay down for the author, ten in number. And the number of the commandments was ten, and they numbered ten. There were ten commandments.
Thou Shalt Write
The Lord spoke unto the author and said “Lo, the canon is bad, for the writers have become corrupted and revel in wickedness. They stretch UST on for years, they hurt and horribly abuse the characters, and lo, this does not please Me. Mac should giveth up on Harm and buy a vibrator, and Mulder and Scully will never have onscreen sex. And lo, this does not please Me. You were created to fix it, and fix it you shall. Canon shall not limit you, and you shall not be limited by canon.”
And the fic author rejoiced, for he thought canon was sucky, and he was a Mac/Webb shipper.
Thou Shalt Join Together
“Look,” said the Lord, “for I have created for you the Con. It is a tool of great power and you shall use it for good to meet up with fellow authors and you shall spread goodness and eat pie. For pie is good. Much love to the pie.”
And the author said “But Lord, forgive me, I am poor and have no moneys. I can not afford a Con. Though you are right, pie is good. I like cherry.”
And the Lord said “Pumpkin is better.” And the Lord thought for a time and declared “Then thou shalt join Yahoo!groups and use Live Journals and start dialogues about ten second scenes that last for many days and many nights. For there is strength in numbers, and the oldest among you shall govern wisely when you all heard together like sheep.”
And the author rejoiced, and there was pie.
Thou Shalt Be Wary of OC’s
“There is a great evil lurking plaguing the land,” saideth the Lord. “Known as an Original Character. Thou shalt not write them if thou art a bad author. For Original Characters can be too perfect and too clean and too sweet, and this displeases Me, for this is not the nature of a true character.”
And the author said “O Lord, how will I know if I am able to write an OC?”
And the Lord said unto the author “You shall know for if you are not ready, I will send unto you many replies with bad grammar and lines of “11!!11!!” and then I shall smote you and there shall be no more pie.”
And the author was much afraid, and the Original Characters because a right earned by few alone, as was decreed.
Thou Shalt Kill Mary Sues”
The Lord proclaimed “Thou shalt not suffer a Mary Sue to thrive among you, for they are an abomination.” And the author was forbidden by the Lord to create characters with too many powers, abilities, and skills, oddly colored hair of abnormal length, and names that consist of meteorological terms. And the Lord decreed it so, for it was an abomination, and it was so ordered.
And the author asked “O Lord, is this not very much like your last commandment?”
And the Lord said “Coveting thy neighbor’s wife and adultery are similar as well, and I have the lightening bolts. Does thou wisheth to become dirt at the four corners of the Earth again? For I can make it happen, bucko.”
And the author shut up, for God had the power to turn him into dirt, and he was afraid.
Thou Shalt Write Crossovers
The Lord spoke unto the author saying “There will come a day when you shall wonder what Teal’c would look like hugging a My Little Pony, and you shall indulge in that curiosity, for it is good in the eyes of the Lord.”
And the author was much incensed with the Lord and said “I’ll never wonder that!”
And the Lord smote him, and replaced him with another author, who looked down unto the smoking remnants of her predecessor and was much more agreeable when presented with the idea. “I shall wonder that, O great and powerful God.”
And the Lord was happy, because He had always wanted to watch Daniel talk with Merry Weather pony, and had not been hugged enough in His youth.
Thou Shalt Not Become Fan Girls
The new author spoke unto the Lord and asked “And what if I am to become overcome with joy and geekiness and turn to darkness?”
And the Lord said “Then thou art a fan girl, and a tool of evil.”
And the author pouted.
“However,” the Lord said “I shall give unto you the ability to squee, so that your fan girlishness shall be seen and forgiven by all as endearing. For you shalt turn insane over new Harry Potter books and season finales, and this is forgivable for I still can not believe she had Lupin and Tonks get together, omg.”
And the author rejoiced, and squeeing became prominent throughout the land.
Thou Shalt Try New Pairings
The Lord said unto the author “Canon is bad and so are the pairings it presents. For this reason, you shall have OTPs, and they shall become your most treasured of possessions, and you shall create icons and stories that revel in their greatness.”
And the author said “But what if I like the major pairing on the show, o great and fierce God who smote the guy before me?”
“You will not like them for long, for the show writers will make them corrupt and irritating after season three, and lo, you shall look unto an OTP for salvation.” And the Lord was happy for He had come up with a way to validate His shipping of Krychek/Mulder, and the author was happy for she had not been turned into dirt.
And there was much rejoicing.
Thou Shalt Not Write Self-Insertion Fics
And the author presented a work to the Lord featuring herself frolicking with the characters of Battlestar Galactica, and the Lord was much incensed with the work.
“This is an evil,” He said unto the author. “And it is an abomination unto Mine eyes.”
“But I get to play with clones,” the author replied. “And there are My Little Ponies. Does this not please you, my Lord?”
And God was pissed and said “No, biotch, it doesn’t.” And he explained unto the author that self-insertion stories were a great plight upon the world, and that Self-Insertion Fics, not tobacco, were the actual cause of cancer.
And the author was saddened, and smoked a cigarette to soothe her nerves.
Thou Shalt Write Smut
The Lord spoke unto the author and said unto her “There is much fun that can be had with boy parts and girl parts when used together. Your OTPs will never be shown having sex. Sam and Jack will never be shown beating each other with sausages, and Weir will never bend over and let Sheppard pull out her butt plug. And this displeases me.”
And the author said “May I write this to please you, o Lord who is so very big and scary?”
And the Lord thought about it for a moment and said “Yes. Thou shall write smut. For sex pleases Me.”
“Sex pleases us all,” the author agreed, and it was decreed that sex was pleasing, and lo, it was so.
Thou Shalt Send Feedback
And the Lord commanded to the author on top of the mountain that she would write to those who had done good to express her appreciation. And the author asked the Lord “What if I have no time?”
And the Lord said “Then you will get leprosy.”
And the author was much bummed out about this, for she liked her legs, and agreed. And feedback became prominent, and the land flourished under the rules the Lord had given.
Feedback to B. Cavis